What I Should Be When I Grow Up.

I've always envied the people that have always known what they wanted to be when they grew up. Actually, I've always envied the people who knew what they realistically wanted to be.

Throughout different stages of my life, I've almost always had a career aspiration. As a kid, I wanted to be a clown (interesting and frightening peek into my psyche, hmm?). Why? I dunno. I've only been to the circus once in my life and I'm pretty sure that it was after my clown stage had ended. Perhaps it had to do with my love of playing dress-up as a child. We had a drawer in one of our bedrooms that was full of miscellaneous vests, gloves, hats, shirts, pants and props. The possibilities seemed endless and greatly enhanced any voyage into Imagination Land, whether it was as a cowboy, spaceman, rock star, or knight (both Jedi and medieval). Maybe the clown's flamboyant costumes and makeup intrigued my still developing imagination.

It seems only natural, then, that my next career aspiration was actor. Movies have always interested me and the older I've gotten and the more I've been able to understand the wizardry of making all aspects of movies, the more they have piqued my interest. I've always been amazed at the power of an actor to portray emotion and pass it along to the viewer. Everytime I see a film or a play with a particularly moving performance, I feel a burning desire to take part in it.

What's the problem, then? I know what you're probably thinking because I've heard it so often throughout my life: If you love it so much, do it! Easy for someone to say who wants to be an engineer or an accountant. Those are real jobs with real, stable paychecks. Being an actor means living your life in feast or famine because, realistically, there are only two kinds of actors: filthy rich ones, and dirt-poor ones. And believe me, there are way more of the dirt-poor ones. Once I came to that realization in my mid-teen years, I reluctantly accepted a career in acting as nothing more than a dream. Maybe someday I can live my dream as a small-time, local hobby (but I still secretly hope to be "discovered" by a talent agent while eating pizza somewhere).

Next, I wanted to be a high school history teacher. This aspiration was influenced exclusively by an AP (Advanced Placement) American History teacher I had in eleventh grade named Mr. Westerman. He was fantastic. Although his class was one of the hardest classes I've ever taken, I loved it. And history and teaching always interested me, so I thought that maybe I could do something like him for a living: teach people with at least a bit of maturity and who actually wanted to learn. But, once again, reality set in. High school teachers make squat and I'm not too keen on that idea. But the clincher was this: I don't really like teenagers. So teaching high school was out unless I could teach AP. And how many teaches can make a living teaching only AP classes. I do, however get to satisfy my urge to teach through my calling as a Sunday School teacher in my church.

Throughout my work on my associate degree in college, my major changed from pre-teacher (still hoping to teach history), to social work (I found out well into the major that I disagreed with too many of the soapboxes from which my future colleagues hypocritically preached [but that's another entry]), to political science (only some political arenas are of interest to me and what would I do with the degree once I had it?) and finally to general studies (after four years, I simply had to get the degree and get out of the community college).

So that leaves me in the uncertain position of trying to get back into school after an almost two-year break (to get married and then to procrastinate). Where am I going to get the funding? Apparently my wife and I make too much money to qualify for federal aid (how in the world....?!) and because I would be entering school in the spring semester instead of fall, I can't apply for scholarships. So I'm left with school aid and/or student loans (groan). And I'm not even sure which school to go to now that I've earned my associate degree.

But the major question still stands: what should I go into? I feel like I should know what career I want before I decide on a major (makes sense and avoids a lot of wasted time and money). I've thought about art (graphic design and photography in particular), but many jobs within those fields lack the pay and financial stability that my personality need. So maybe I could do something like wedding and portrait photography on the side. But that still leaves me clueless as to what I should do with the rest of my life.

I've always wanted financial security, as well as job security, which has ruled out many fields. I also have found out (through long and agonizing experience) that I don't like customer service (more like customer slavery [again, another entry]) or retail. Math and science don't come naturally to me and and business is only mildly interesting. Sometimes. I've always wanted a career that would allow me to make a difference in people's lives and give me a sense of purpose and meaning. I love to create and perform, but with that often comes a shaky, uncertain paycheck.

So here I stand, confused and more than a bit despairing. What'll it be? Stay in my current job for the rest of my life? No way! I gotta get out, but I'll probably stay with this job until I've gotten through school as much as possible. So what should I major in? Ideas? Anyone?